Usually when I write something, I am clear on what the end is going to be, what is the objective that I am writing for. And this is not because I spend hours on thinking how and what to write but rather it is because one of the things that I am really good at, is... procrastination. I would feel like writing on a topic and then I would actually put my thoughts in words months later. But sometimes it happens that the topic is already there, lying dormant in your conscious and then some trigger just brings it to the surface.
This is one such topic. So let me start from the beginning. Last weekend I was going to a nearby place, Bhongir, for a outing. I had to spend 2.5 hours at the railway station waiting for the train. And before you assume that the train was late, let me make it clear that I was left waiting because the train that I thought would take me to Bhongir, didn't run on Sunday. But then years of missing the 1'o clock local at Pune has done wonders to my patience and so the only thing that I was left cursing at was my own stupidity (that's one more thing I am good at). Anyways, so I was sitting on one of the 'blocks' (I don't know what to call the structures that are made near the pillars for people to sit) at the platform, with earphones in my ears. Two middle aged people, probably brothers, were sitting at the next 'block' in front of me. One of them was eating a 'Veg Puff' (taking some artistic liberty here because I don't really know whether it was veg or not). Both of them were engrossed in talking to each other. They appeared to be simple village folk based on their style of clothing. I was observing their animated discussion trying to guess what they were talking about. But my effort to ...um...eavesdrop was interrupted by a lady asking me for some money. She had a cataract in her left eye. She was carrying a register which she was asking me to take a look at. It probably had some information of her medical condition or the donations she needed for the treatment.
And as it has now become a second nature for me, I politely refused to entertain her request. I think I have become so natural at this now that the she didn't even linger near me hoping that I will change my mind. I hadn't even bothered to look at that register because I have seen this scenario many times before. It still pricked me a little to say 'no' with that kind of finality. But as I said I have grown accustomed to these scenarios now and that pressure at my heart was gone the next second. After that, the woman searched for someone else who would be willing to 'help' her. She had actually passed the aforementioned guys at first, but then turned towards them to ask for help. Now, as soon as that woman had left me, I was curious about whom she approaches next. When the woman approached those guys I had imagined that they will blow her off similarly like me. But contrary to my expectation one of the guys showed interest in giving her money. But he didn't have a lower denomination to give so he asked his partner whether he has any. He too didn't have change, so finally the guy gave 50 Rs to the woman. I think the woman too didn't expect to get more than 10 Rs. She was happily surprised to get 50 Rs, thanked the men, gestured God to bless them and then moved on.
Seeing that scene played out I first felt bad for the guys, because I was pretty sure that they were duped. But then I started feeling bad for myself because I could have easily done what that guy had done, 'helped' that woman. I am sure that even those guys would have been aware at some level that this woman might be using her disability to get some quick money. But they chose to ignore that doubt and gave money to the woman while I had erred on the side of caution and refused.
Some years ago, I too was like that guy. I have given money to people for bus tickets since they had 'lost' their wallets. I have given money to people claiming that their spouse was in hospital and they don't have money with them to reach the hospital. They even gave me a fake number so that they can get in touch about returning the money. In this particular instant I didn't have change, so I had gone to the nearby railway station to get change and handover some money to that person. Some more incidents like this and then I started to say an occasional 'no'. By this time I had started travelling and that brought on some more varied experiences. In one particular occasion in Khajuraho, a man came from his small house and asked me money for a samosa. I was about to give him the money because I wanted to avoid the uneasiness which follows such a request. Also I wanted to spend the whole afternoon at that temple so I wanted to get rid of that person. But then I figured since I had time to kill, why not make this a bit interesting. So I started enquiring about his home (since I had seen him coming from his house I knew he just wanted to get some quick money), asked him about what he does for a job, what he does on the weekends etc etc. After a minute of silence the guy himself chose to leave. I then employed this template whenever I had time to engage with a person asking for money. The way they answered the questions gave me a hint as to what exactly they need the money for. And mostly it turned out that they were just there to make a quick buck. Once in Vijayapura I gave money to an old person for bus ticket. The money should have been enough to cover his fare but then I saw the same person going to another person to ask for money. I actually confronted that old person about asking for money again and he just gave some lame excuse and left. All these incidents have left me disillusioned and now as I said, it has become second nature for me to say 'no'. But last Sunday, I felt guilt making a strong comeback when I saw that man giving money to that woman.
I was thinking that what if that woman 'really' needed that money. What if it wasn't a ploy for getting easy money but the only way she could afford her treatment was by asking for money? The woman is just a placeholder. You replace her with any person you have met asking you for money. I can't imagine myself in such a situation where I had to ask others for money. I would absolutely hate it. But what if circumstances have really conspired against them for their life to be at exactly such a junction where asking money from others is the only way out? Out of 10 people asking me for money, 9 of them will be bogus but what about the 1 which really could have used whatever little help I could have offered. How do I know who really is in need and who are just lazy to do anything about their lives? It's this not knowing, which is really bothering me. And if anyone has a better viewpoint to look at this situation then do tell me.
The person who gave the woman money seemed happier than me who had managed to not get duped. I might have been the smarter one among us but wasn't he wiser? Wasn't his liberal approach on who to help and whom to not better than me? Because at the end of the day everyone would prefer to have a 'happy' journey than a guilt-laced one, wouldn't they?
This is one such topic. So let me start from the beginning. Last weekend I was going to a nearby place, Bhongir, for a outing. I had to spend 2.5 hours at the railway station waiting for the train. And before you assume that the train was late, let me make it clear that I was left waiting because the train that I thought would take me to Bhongir, didn't run on Sunday. But then years of missing the 1'o clock local at Pune has done wonders to my patience and so the only thing that I was left cursing at was my own stupidity (that's one more thing I am good at). Anyways, so I was sitting on one of the 'blocks' (I don't know what to call the structures that are made near the pillars for people to sit) at the platform, with earphones in my ears. Two middle aged people, probably brothers, were sitting at the next 'block' in front of me. One of them was eating a 'Veg Puff' (taking some artistic liberty here because I don't really know whether it was veg or not). Both of them were engrossed in talking to each other. They appeared to be simple village folk based on their style of clothing. I was observing their animated discussion trying to guess what they were talking about. But my effort to ...um...eavesdrop was interrupted by a lady asking me for some money. She had a cataract in her left eye. She was carrying a register which she was asking me to take a look at. It probably had some information of her medical condition or the donations she needed for the treatment.
And as it has now become a second nature for me, I politely refused to entertain her request. I think I have become so natural at this now that the she didn't even linger near me hoping that I will change my mind. I hadn't even bothered to look at that register because I have seen this scenario many times before. It still pricked me a little to say 'no' with that kind of finality. But as I said I have grown accustomed to these scenarios now and that pressure at my heart was gone the next second. After that, the woman searched for someone else who would be willing to 'help' her. She had actually passed the aforementioned guys at first, but then turned towards them to ask for help. Now, as soon as that woman had left me, I was curious about whom she approaches next. When the woman approached those guys I had imagined that they will blow her off similarly like me. But contrary to my expectation one of the guys showed interest in giving her money. But he didn't have a lower denomination to give so he asked his partner whether he has any. He too didn't have change, so finally the guy gave 50 Rs to the woman. I think the woman too didn't expect to get more than 10 Rs. She was happily surprised to get 50 Rs, thanked the men, gestured God to bless them and then moved on.
Seeing that scene played out I first felt bad for the guys, because I was pretty sure that they were duped. But then I started feeling bad for myself because I could have easily done what that guy had done, 'helped' that woman. I am sure that even those guys would have been aware at some level that this woman might be using her disability to get some quick money. But they chose to ignore that doubt and gave money to the woman while I had erred on the side of caution and refused.
Some years ago, I too was like that guy. I have given money to people for bus tickets since they had 'lost' their wallets. I have given money to people claiming that their spouse was in hospital and they don't have money with them to reach the hospital. They even gave me a fake number so that they can get in touch about returning the money. In this particular instant I didn't have change, so I had gone to the nearby railway station to get change and handover some money to that person. Some more incidents like this and then I started to say an occasional 'no'. By this time I had started travelling and that brought on some more varied experiences. In one particular occasion in Khajuraho, a man came from his small house and asked me money for a samosa. I was about to give him the money because I wanted to avoid the uneasiness which follows such a request. Also I wanted to spend the whole afternoon at that temple so I wanted to get rid of that person. But then I figured since I had time to kill, why not make this a bit interesting. So I started enquiring about his home (since I had seen him coming from his house I knew he just wanted to get some quick money), asked him about what he does for a job, what he does on the weekends etc etc. After a minute of silence the guy himself chose to leave. I then employed this template whenever I had time to engage with a person asking for money. The way they answered the questions gave me a hint as to what exactly they need the money for. And mostly it turned out that they were just there to make a quick buck. Once in Vijayapura I gave money to an old person for bus ticket. The money should have been enough to cover his fare but then I saw the same person going to another person to ask for money. I actually confronted that old person about asking for money again and he just gave some lame excuse and left. All these incidents have left me disillusioned and now as I said, it has become second nature for me to say 'no'. But last Sunday, I felt guilt making a strong comeback when I saw that man giving money to that woman.
I was thinking that what if that woman 'really' needed that money. What if it wasn't a ploy for getting easy money but the only way she could afford her treatment was by asking for money? The woman is just a placeholder. You replace her with any person you have met asking you for money. I can't imagine myself in such a situation where I had to ask others for money. I would absolutely hate it. But what if circumstances have really conspired against them for their life to be at exactly such a junction where asking money from others is the only way out? Out of 10 people asking me for money, 9 of them will be bogus but what about the 1 which really could have used whatever little help I could have offered. How do I know who really is in need and who are just lazy to do anything about their lives? It's this not knowing, which is really bothering me. And if anyone has a better viewpoint to look at this situation then do tell me.
The person who gave the woman money seemed happier than me who had managed to not get duped. I might have been the smarter one among us but wasn't he wiser? Wasn't his liberal approach on who to help and whom to not better than me? Because at the end of the day everyone would prefer to have a 'happy' journey than a guilt-laced one, wouldn't they?
It does depend on the situation. Some people are certainly looking for a quick buck. Even if you give them money, they just move on to the next mark. I do get where the guilt is coming from, but it is entirely possible that the sole intention of these folks is to tug at those strings and get you to part with some money. The thing you mentioned about asking or enquiring might help, but it will eventually turn into a double edged sword when the other person gets defensive or agressive over their agenda.
ReplyDeleteFeeling guilt at saying no just means that you were raised as a good person. Keep doing your bit.
I do something different when confronted. Almost never giving anyone money. But if someone asks for food, it always gives me instant gratification on getting them fed.
Well I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, so i just go on a hunch.
As for whether you should help or not, it really just depends..